Sony to Begin Censoring PS1 Games [April Fools]

Sony to Begin Censoring PS1 Games [April Fools]

Is nothing sacred?

A.J. Maciejewski

Written by for April Fools on

Sony's recent censorship has been a hot-button issue for gamers lately and now, they're taking their stance retroactively. I recently sat down with Sony's policy advisor Scott J. Williams to discuss how this will be implemented and what games will be affected.

Final Fantasy VII screenshot
It's time for Cloud's Buster Sword to receive a major downgrade

[A.J.] Hello, Scott. As a long-time gamer, I must say that I'm surprised by Sony's decision to censor their classic gaming catalogue. Can you please explain how this will be accomplished? v1d30chumz 3-235-176-80

[Scott] After thoroughly going through our library of games for the original PlayStation, we've made a list of changes that the programmers at our censorship bureau will roll out over the next 6 months. These changes will affect all digital versions of PS1 Classics via automatic and mandatory updates.

[A.J.] I see. What about all of the physical copies that are in circulation?

[Scott] Obviously, we can't force anyone to turn in their classic PlayStation game collection. However, we're considering a program where gamers can voluntarily send in their original PlayStation games and we will in turn send them replacement discs.

[A.J.] I don't mean to be rude but why would anyone do that?

[Scott] There will be incentives such as a 1 year PlayStation Plus membership for anyone who participates as well as an exclusive Sony T-shirt from our program that comes in 8 different colours and 1 of 4 sizes for both men and women.

[A.J.] About the affected games; can you provide some examples of PS1 games that will be censored?

[Scott] Definitely. For starters, Metal Gear Solid will feature candy sticks instead of cigarettes to promote healthier choices. Also, Spyro the Dragon will now wear pants seeing as he was completely naked in the original games. Honestly, I'm still shocked that one made it past the ESRB back in 1998. Another example is that Final Fantasy VII's Cloud Strife will have a much smaller sword because gamers might expect a man of his size to have a sword that big. I'm about his height and my sword is not even 1 tenth that large.

Spyro the Dragon screenshot
Who wears short shorts? Spyro wears short shorts!

[A.J.] Well, thank you for explaining how this retroactive censorship program will work and for providing a few helpful examples, Scott. Is there a website that gamers can reference to learn more about the program?

[Scott] No. In fact, you're just typing all of this yourself. I'm not a real person and this whole article is pretty stupid.

[A.J.] I see. Is it at least funny?

[Scott] Not really.

[A.J.] Thanks for the feedback.

[Scott] No problem. Hey, do you want to order a pizza and play the prototype of Thrill Kill?

[A.J.] Absolutely!

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