The Wii U eShop has more than its fair share of subpar games. It saddens me to say that Don't Crash is yet another title that gives Nintendo's downloadable library a bad name. If you're still interested then let's take this lemon on a test drive.
I honestly don't know how to write a full review for Don't Crash. All you do is watch a yellow and blue car ceaselessly circle a track while tapping a button to make the blue one change lanes so they don't crash. Watch out, though, since that yellow car is driven by a maniac who is dying to crash into you. He'll change lanes right in front of you and speed up both gradually and spasmodically. You get points for every completed lap and bonus points for near-misses. Once you crash, the game instructs you to share your score on Miiverse, but who would ever want to? Besides, why does the game tell me to do that yet it offers no functionality that makes it any easier? Instead, you have to push the home button, click Miiverse, wait for a minute, then manually enter a message and attach a screenshot. Games should never tell you to do something that the programmers could've implemented themselves. Oh, there's so much to kvetch about.
On the plus side, Don't Crash is at least functional and it looks as simple as you would hope. However, the graphics are pretty lame as you'll only get to race around three different randomly assigned themes. Whether you're driving around greenery, water, or the desert, you're still just doing the exact same thing. Couldn't they have had the decency to change the track layouts even slightly? All of the audio consists of blips when your score increases and an awful song that irritatingly repeats constantly. You'll definitely want to mute this game. Overall, it looks as you would expect and sounds much worse than you could imagine.
Am I still writing this review? I guess a positive aspect of the game is that virtually anyone can pick it up and play with little explanation and understand it immediately. That being said, after playing for a fraction of a minute, even the most simple-minded individual would feel like it's beneath them to continue. After all, isn't this the same console that you can play Mario Kart 8, Splatoon, and Super Smash Bros. on? Why would anyone play this? No game should make anyone ask questions like these.
If the developers had the intuition to create a multiplayer mode or offer any sort of content besides replaying a five second micro-game over and over again then I can imagine that it would be a lot more playable. But, of course, they did not. I think it's funny that people complain when games with massive single player campaigns (like Assassin's Creed Syndicate) don't have a multiplayer option yet something that desperately needs it completely forgoes the opportunity. Why the developers would shoot themselves in the foot like this is beyond me. Couldn't they have spent just a bit more time working on content? Besides gameplay (which is obviously lacking here), content is probably the most important aspect of what makes or breaks a video game. I think I should stop this review soon before I start getting too philosophical about the fundamentals of game development.
That's Don't Crash; a game that functionally works yet is only slightly enjoyable for a handful of seconds. Maybe the developers were aiming to create the shortest-lived video game experience ever crafted and if they were then my hat is off. Great job, chums!
- + So incredibly simple that even a monkey could pick up and play it
- - Only mildly amusing for about 15 seconds
- - No multiplayer, modes, content, or anything that could possibly offer any replay value
- - Awful repetitive music will drive you insane